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When Love Needs Help

By Andrea Vinley Jewell

Why couple-to-couple mentoring is a valuable resource to marriage.

Two weeks before we hiked Pike’s Peak, I was in a panic over hiking boots. I didn’t have any. My husband, Corey, and I went to at least six stores. I bought one pair, returned them, then exchanged those for a different size.
A day later I bought a second pair and wore both around the house, trying to decide which were the best. What if I chose the wrong pair and regretted it every step of the trail?

My husband didn’t know what to do. Did his practical-minded wife have a hormone imbalance? After a few days of my incessant analyzing, he was exasperated. The tension built, and so did my anxiety.

That week we met with Jan and Chick McCormick, our friends and mentors. Corey told them about the state I was in. Chick just nodded and laughed. They had learned that, at times, one of them would act “irrationally,” but if the other spouse were patient, it would pass. True enough. My hiking boot anxiety ended shortly thereafter.

Time for others
We met the McCormicks during our first year of marriage. As sponsors in a young adults’ ministry, they had a soft spot for newlyweds. Through marriage mentoring, they pass on what they’ve learned over 38 years of marriage. So we grabbed the opportunity to learn from their wisdom, meeting with them occasionally as we faced issues we couldn’t seem to resolve ourselves.

“What normally happens is that people come to us and ask to be mentored,” Jan says. “We tell them we’ll meet once — to see if it’s a good fit.”
The McCormicks use that first meeting to find out what the couple wants out of mentoring. Some couples may need different personalities or experiences than what the McCormicks can offer.

“If they have expectations we know we can’t meet, then we would say no, especially for crisis situations. We’re not professional counselors,” Chick says.

If the match is good, they determine how often they will meet and for how long and what areas of marriage the young couple would like to discuss. Often, the McCormicks use marriage resources to guide the relationships. When the original time frame ends, the McCormicks and the mentees evaluate the relationship and whether or not to continue.

Experience
Though mentoring is not a new concept, marriage mentoring — older couples investing in other couples through encouragement and modeling — is relatively new.

Marriage Savers, an organization founded by Mike and Harriet McManus, has been promoting marriage mentoring for nine years. They visit churches and provide mentor training.

“The primary reason marriages fail is that people are selfish,” Mike says. “But how do you move people from selfishness to selflessness? It’s best done through a walking parable of a couple who’s been there already.”

Instead of needing counseling, most couples just need to hear that the challenges they face are normal and resolvable. An experienced couple has the credibility to say that.

“Meeting with a mentor-couple seems less threatening than going to a paid professional,” Harriet says. “Plus, in couple-to-couple ministry both genders are represented, bringing more perspective and understanding to any situation.”

Mentors don’t have to be experts; they simply share their experiences. Nor do they have to meet with couples weekly. Just one discussion may help a mentee couple work differently on a problem.

The common misconception is that mentoring is a time for giving advice, which should be the exception not the rule. Rather than being told what to do, couples change and grow the most when they feel understood and then begin to better understand one another.

A hand for the road
“When we first married, we didn’t know how to fight correctly,” Jan says. “We read one book on how to fight, but maybe with a mentor couple, we would have done better.”

Now the McCormicks are dedicated to helping newlyweds prepare for and handle the bumps of married life.
“Primarily, we listen,” Chick says. “And we do some modeling, such as honoring each other. We also tell about our experiences, because most of the things we hear from couples are things we’ve addressed.”

“We ask questions, give couples options, meet their practical needs and then encourage them,” Jan says.

“Sometimes we address topics such as understanding personality types or how family background affects people,” Chick says.

For each couple the McCormicks mentor, they evaluate what kind of resources would be helpful, depending on a couple’s weak areas. The reality of marriage: It takes years to learn how to do it well.

“Most couples have issues that they’re not proud of and they think, We can’t be good mentors because we had problems.” Chick says. “ But if a couple is still married, they likely overcame many problems. We had problems that we worked through for 15 years, so hopefully we can help younger couples avoid doing the same.”

You? A mentor?
“Mentors are sitting in the pews of the churches,” Harriet McManus says, “and it’s never occurred to them — nor has anyone invited them — to use their own marriage as a resource and gift to others. All they have to give is their unconditional love, their time and their marriage.”

So how do you get started?
1. Expose yourself to couples in the stage you would feel comfortable mentoring.
2. Encourage church leaders to offer mentor training, ask for volunteer mentors, then announce to the church who is available as mentors.
3. If your church offers marriage mentor training, attend.
4. Meet practical needs. If there’s a young couple you know who might be open to mentoring, start building a relationship.
5. Brush up on your marriage. Re-evaluate your relationship. Attend a marriage conference or read a marriage book together.
6. Be ready to share your lives.

From the February 2005 issue of Focus on the Family magazine, a publication of Focus on the Family. Copyright © 2005, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.