Trust: Don't Leave Home Without It - Focus on the Family Africa

Trust: Don’t Leave Home Without It

by Glenn Lutjens

“Dearly Beloved . . . to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her . . . Yeah, there’s that sickness and health clause. . . . forsaking all others . . . as long as we both shall live.”

Gene paused. “I think I can do this. The vows don’t say I need to trust.”

“They’ve got to,” Jill said. “Let me see them.”

After that little exchange, the premarital counselor knew this couple needed to deal with a serious issue. So he explained to Gene and Jill that a marriage without trust is like a house without a foundation.

What is trust?

Trust could be defined as a spouse’s level of confidence that his or her mate is living Philippians 2:4: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Is your husband just as concerned with protecting your reputation as he is with protecting his? Is your wife interested in encouraging you as much as she would like to be encouraged?

Trust is built as each spouse honestly and respectfully expresses concerns and makes it safe for the other to do the same. Listening without condemnation communicates safety and builds confidence about how future conflicts will be handled.

Ways to increase trust in marriage

Show yourself trustworthy. Are you living Philippians 2:4 in relationship to your spouse? You can’t expect trust if you are not giving it yourself.
Adjust your expectations. Are they too high or too low? Are you expecting perfection from your spouse? Realize that a spouse may fail you at times, but he can still be trustworthy.
Discuss with your spouse what he or she can do to help you trust. How important is it that your wife doesn’t share your conversations with others? How crucial is it that your husband stays within the budget? Openness encourages trust.
Take ownership for your behavior. You are responsible for your trust in your spouse. You can easily conclude that she is not trustworthy and therefore not trust her, but trust and trustworthiness go hand in hand. Obviously this would not apply to situations where you are unsafe either physically or emotionally. In that context, seek help from a pastor or counselor (see below).
Exercise your “trust muscle.” Distrust often works like a phobia. As long as you avoid situations that require you to exercise trust, you won’t grow. Identify several areas in which you can begin to trust your spouse more. Start with the easiest ones and celebrate successes. For instance, trust that he will do a chore in a timely manner. Believing in your spouse may actually motivate trustworthy behavior. On the other hand, be sure to avoid risky, unhealthy behavior that can damage or destroy a marriage such as pornography use.
Trust in the One who will not fail you. Trust in the Lord and have confidence in His character, even when you don’t understand His ways. As you learn to trust God more, you may find trusting your spouse becomes easier.
Get help. Challenging situations may require professional counseling, and some may demand boundaries for emotional and physical safety. In some marriages, the problem is not primarily the inability of one spouse to trust, but the absence of trustworthiness in the other.

Trust provides security, stability and sanity for your marriage. Don’t start or leave a home without it. And if you did, it’s not too late to build that foundation!

Glenn Lutjens is a counselor at Focus on the Family.